... Expect disappointment.
First of all, no, I'm not pregnant. This is not about that. Instead, it's about what happens when you expect things from the rest. You can tell me about the glass half-empty or half-full and all that jazz but here's what works for me, what I've learnt and how I make things go easier (by the way, half empty or half full, I would have drank from that glass). I don't expect anything from anyone, because when I do I get disappointed.
Here's the thing. We are all different. And we've all been taught different things. Simpler things such as to wash our hands after we go to the loo to wee wee, or to clean up our mess after we finish cooking, to more complex things as to treat everyone as an equal, to be considerate with the rest, to be polite and not to offend people. I know that, you know that. But there are people that won't have the custom to wash their hands, or to be considerate, or that will spit in the floor, or that will not text you back, or that will not pick you up when you're walking back home in the cold night. Where am I going with all of this? I'll get there, I promise.
My friend called me the other day because he was kind of upset with his -I was gonna write "partner" but the word seems so odd and weird that I have no idea why it crossed my mind- boyfriend (we all live in the 21st century, get over it) because he (his bfriend) was not doing what he was expecting him to do as a loving caring boyfriend. My friend is a care-bear, all love and very caring. And there are days when he has to go back home after classes and walk through a dodgy street, which he hates. So on those days he has to go through there, he calls his bfriend to pick him up from the station. Thing is, now he expects to be picked up by his bfriend, and when he doesn't appear he gets upset. This is one example of the several things he mentioned. So I said "well, have you told him about this? Have you said 'I want you to pick me up, please'?", to which he replied "No, because I don't want to be asking for it, I expect for him to already know these things and do them because he wants to and not because I ask him to". Reminded me of the twelve-lemon centerpiece in the movie The Breakup. Actually it was the scene after that when J Aninston says "I want you to want to do the dishes".
I made that mistake once, where I stayed quiet about the things I wanted my ex to do and instead waited for him to do them without me asking for it. Never happened. Of course, they are not mind-readers! So when I got tired of waiting I would pick up a discussion (not a fight because we rarely fought, which was not good since at the end it was war) and say the whole "I don't want to ask you to do it, I want you to want to do it without me saying anything". Oh Fool of a Tuck! (Yes, quoting Gandalf). I've learned these things the hard way.
1. Never stay quiet.
You want something, ask for it. Don't expect him (or her) to read your mind or pick up your tricky mind games and guess what you want. You want for him/her to do the dishes, then say it. Say, "hey, it would be nice if you could help me do the dishes" or "I'll do it tonight, you do it tomorrow". You want for him/her to pick you up, then say "it's a dodgy area, you think every Thursday you can pick me up from the station? Would appreciate it". You get the point.
You want something, ask for it. Don't expect him (or her) to read your mind or pick up your tricky mind games and guess what you want. You want for him/her to do the dishes, then say it. Say, "hey, it would be nice if you could help me do the dishes" or "I'll do it tonight, you do it tomorrow". You want for him/her to pick you up, then say "it's a dodgy area, you think every Thursday you can pick me up from the station? Would appreciate it". You get the point.
2. Don't expect anything.
This works for me. I don't expect for all of my friends to reply my emails. One of them in particular, who I write every single time with all my mega dramas and my life crisis and never replies. And I know it, and I don't expect him to do it (and I still love him besides that, and still bother him with my mega emails). But you know what, whenever his name appears on my screen saying I've got an email from him, it's like pay-day! It surprises me and that's better than being angry about him not writing back. So by not expecting, when the unexpected comes it definitely makes my day.
This works for me. I don't expect for all of my friends to reply my emails. One of them in particular, who I write every single time with all my mega dramas and my life crisis and never replies. And I know it, and I don't expect him to do it (and I still love him besides that, and still bother him with my mega emails). But you know what, whenever his name appears on my screen saying I've got an email from him, it's like pay-day! It surprises me and that's better than being angry about him not writing back. So by not expecting, when the unexpected comes it definitely makes my day.
I take this into my everyday life, not just relationships (or flings or anything similar). I don't expect for my housemate to leave the sink clean. I don't expect for my supervisor to sign my form that has been sitting on his desk for more than 4 weeks. I don't expect for my friend to be on time. And I certainly do not expect for someone to text me back (ugh, don't you hate that? the agony of when is he going to text? move on). As for my friend, I told him, relationships are hard work. He won't get anything from his bfriend if he doesn't communicate. But he needs to stop being so demanding and expecting for him to do all of those things out of nowhere. It's a bit of both parts. We are all different, and maybe his bfriend does think he's doing something nice for him, but my friend won't appreciate because his level of expectation is different. So then will come the fight of "I am doing this for you and you keep asking more, what do you want from me?" (summary of The Break-up fight ... the movie one).
Moving on ... I am not sure if this post is my comeback but I felt like I needed to send this message to the cyber-world.
Ps. I don't expect for anyone to read or comment. Make my day ;)
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